I’ve been reading The Secret lately and for those of you who don’t know it it’s a self-help book about the teachings and understandings of life and how you can change your life by using positive thinking. It’s a good read if you need to find yourself or grow in some way.
One aspect of The Secret that captures me the most is the teaching of attending to your own joy first rather than of others. In this particular section which is known as ‘The Secret to Relationships’ The Secret states that most of us have been taught to put ourselves last and as a result we attract feelings of being unworthy and undeserving. I’m sure a lot of us have been in this situation where we feel we should put others first in order to make them happy even if it is at a cost of our own happiness. We have this thought in our minds that as long as that other person is happy, then that’s all that matters. Before now, I would constantly put others before me. One example in particular when it comes to my friends, if one friend wanted to see me one afternoon but I had also planned to see a friend in that same afternoon I would try and fit both in so I wouldn’t let any of them down. Even though it was a lot of pressure and stress on me and would mean I would have to rush in seeing each friend, it didn’t matter as long as they were both happy. At the end of the day though, true friends will understand if something else has come up and you are unable to catch up with them. They will be happy to reschedule for another time. I did the same thing with my ex boyfriend after we broke up. If I had planned something for myself or with my friends and sister too, I would always put him first because there was this constant desire to make him happy and keep me in his good books so he’d always know I’d do whatever it took to make him happy, even though he didn’t treat me the way I wanted to be treated. But at the time it didn’t matter about me or anyone else, as much as I hate to say it now. It’s not worth losing friends over or becoming distant with them when they become sick of the fact you are constantly making yourself unhappy. If any of you have been in this situation you would know the feeling. You become so consumed in making this one person happy that you begin to neglect your own wants and needs.
So in saying that, is it really worth putting someone first at the cost of your own self worth and happiness? Personally, I think not at all. The Secret states that you need to attend to your joy first before others otherwise you are never going to feel good about yourself and you are allowing yourself to be treated badly by others and make it look like it’s okay for someone else to treat you that way. And who wants that for themselves? After months of acting this way, I know now never to risk my own happiness at the cost of somebody else especially if they are not worth it and don’t give as much back to you as you give to them. Joy comes from within, and we are all responsible for our own joy. People around us can contribute to our happiness but the joy comes from within ourselves. If we feel joy and feel good about ourselves you become good company to be around and others around you will feed off that joy and treat you the same way back, and this is because you are being happy within yourself, not because of someone else.
I don’t know about any of you, but I used to feel I needed someone to tell me I’m beautiful and tell me I’m a good person in order to believe that I am. But it doesn’t work that way. If we are relying on what other people tell us to convince ourselves we must be a certain way, that isn’t loving yourself, that isn’t being happy within yourself. It shows that you are insecure and lacking confidence in some way so you need other people to remind you of the good things about yourself. If you don’t love you and you are not happy within yourself, you are never going to feel good so no one is going to see and feel the good in you. Be kind to yourself, know that you are a good person and tell yourself that everyday. A good friend of mine once told me to look in the mirror and tell myself ‘Am I spunk or what?’ And it’s not silly to tell yourself that at all because you deserve to feel good within yourself in order to be happy each and everyday. Remember that YOU are the most important person in this world and never forget it!
Not only in situations when it comes to ex boyfriends, but in any situation where you are putting someone else before yourself and it makes you feel uncomfortable in any way, just say NO and don’t go ahead with it if you feel uneasy and not good within yourself. Because it’s really not worth the result of being unhappy in the end. People will respect you more if they know you’re not always going to be at their beck and call. If you ever have any doubts just remember this quote: ‘Saying no to others, means saying yes to you’. Do you know you’re number one? I know I sure am.